Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
