The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
