sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
