Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
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Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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