Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
