they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The uberlube is also flammable
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
