1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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