haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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