Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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