i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
