3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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