Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I love you.
Bad choice
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
