Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
