nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
