New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
