somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
