I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
