I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
