i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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