I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
