YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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