I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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