Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
