If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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