I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.