My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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