I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
