I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
