I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize