You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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