I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Houston, we have a squirter
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
