Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
