Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
