yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
