She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
