Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
