Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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