Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
