I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..