I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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