If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
