Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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