i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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