So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
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there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
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As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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