It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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