Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
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One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
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Watching her eat just hurts me
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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