I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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