I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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