Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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