So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
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there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
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Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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