if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
