He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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